This time we’re pleased to feature a mother from the USA.
I have known her for some time and she opened my eyes to the fact that PA (parental alienation) now happens to mothers too, especially in America where cash to buy expensive attorneys, is king.
Unbelievably, she has suffered at the hands of a calculating parent alienator , a man who saw the children develop inside her yet still betrayed her, for a large portion of her children’s lives.
You can sense two powerful emotions in her writing:
- her passion to be re-united
- her deep and intense pain
Here’s what she has to say:
I often lie awake at night, when the world is fast asleep, with tears upon my cheeks. Then, regardless of what I do, my mind takes a painful stroll down memory lane. It’s a walk full of memories that yield heartache.
For I miss my children desperately.
Over the last few days, you could not have escaped the media coverage of immigrant parents being separated from their children.
Separated is a more mundane word than “torn”. I prefer to say it like it is….children are being torn from the lives of parents. And to most of the world, this concept is linked to only the present political stance of immigration. But to so many other parents like myself, it triggers our own situations – and a horror I will address as “Parental Alienation.”
Being separated from your children….yes, I not only imagine how it feels. I have lived it every hour of every day for way too many years. And I’m frankly amazed I’m still breathing.
Parents are separated from their children, children torn from the loving arms of a parent, every single day in our country. And our broken legal system does not stop it.
Parental alienation takes place when a child- usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict divorce—allies himself or herself strongly with one parent and rejects a relationship with the other (alienated) parent without legitimate justification.
Simply and more accurately put, the child doesn’t hate naturally, it is taught as one parent turns the child against the other parent. The child resists or refuses contact or parenting time with the alienated/targeted parent. And as the high conflict divorces appear before the courts, child custody today has been plagued with parental alienation.
Judges and magistrates are not educated to spot the tactics employed by the alienating parent which aren’t full-frontal, they are systematic, passive aggression.
To those in the know, there are always signs that must not be ignored. Otherwise, when a child becomes a victim of the courts, the parent using the child as a weapon is able to strip and abolish that child’s relationship with the other parent like tearing up a string of paper dolls.
Nothing justifies the minimization or removal of a fit and loving parent from a child’s life. Nothing. But it has happened millions of times in the US alone now.
Denying a child access to a fit, loving, capable, stable, secure parent that the child has loved – is immoral, and abusive, ruining the parent and certain to scar the child forever.
The change in an alienated child’s behavior is often the hardest concept for the targeted parent to live with. The parent goes from being loved by the child to someone the child seems to fear, hate and despise. As the alienating parent sends the child all sorts of non-verbal and verbal clues, the alienating parent often encourages and rewards the bad behavior.
The alienating parent is angry with the targeted parent, thus the child becomes angry with the targeted parent. And for the child, anger is a coping mechanism as the child allows the anger to wash over his or her guilt, empathy, fond memories and positive feelings for the targeted parent.
In the court system, legal guardians may be appointed. So they turn the children into soldiers of Parental Alienation – not understanding the manipulation done by the alienating parent or just taking sides with what is easier to manage.
Parents are being separated from their children constantly – with no one supporting the reunification of child and loving parent. Courts just want to move on to their next case, as decisions are usually based on who has the most money or power. And being the resident parent means a great deal of power, power over routines and normal life.
Yet, incredibly, alienators portray themselves as victims, seeking sympathy in whatever way possible. Lies abound. What happens when these broken “families” finish their usually drawn out and harassing appearances in court? Nothing. There is usually nothing left of the relationship between the alienated parent and their child. Nothing.
When my children were born, I always knew that there would be a time a time of natural separation as they grew older. That’s part of a parent’s job. Never did I think it would have been so soon. The separation came on unexpectedly, non-consensually, and because their other parent was in control.
My children were my life.
Without them, I did not want to live.
But I managed to.
So here I am – hoping to bring awareness to what so often goes ignored.
Like too many others, I did not get to see my children become teens, nor did I bear witness to their weddings.
I wasn’t there for first dates, to talk to them about love, to cheer them on at graduations. Time was stolen from me.
I missed moments that turned into days that turned into years.
My children were ripped out of my life.
Clinical psychologist Mia Smith-Bynum, a professor of family science at the University of Maryland, states:
‘Feeling – and being- powerless over your child’s fate can also lead to something called “ambiguous loss”, in which a parent never gets the closure they need to fully resolve their grief.”
In my own words: Parental alienation is the mourning that never ends.
I wish I could shout out my message to everyone.
Americans and people around the world are all so shocked, mortified, and angered by the separation of immigrant parents from their children. While it is a horror of it’s own – please recognize and learn what has been going on with parents who are American citizens – in the very same justice system!
We must educate the Courts, expose Parental Alienation, and stop it. If you know someone in such a situation, do not look the other way. Be aware of what the situation is. You can make a difference. It’s like the saying goes. If you see something, say something. A child and a loving parent should be together.
So when I see those scenes on tv, can I imagine what it is like to be separated from a child? My first response is , “Hell, yes!”….and my second: “I didn’t think I could go on breathing”.
But then I had to.
Then one day I got a call…..
This blog deals with some very distressing issues. We do have a reconciliation team and resources available to help you navigate the legal process involved and will gladly refer you if you need support.
Alternatively if you would like to speak out about PA as this mother has, then do get in touch.
You can contact us here.