“The truth? What’s that? Don’t you know that the day has come when the truth is what we care to make it?”
― Consider the Lilies
This quote speaks for the age of modern parenting, where sadly parents are being shorn of their beloved children by a legal process that encourages adversarial divorce and the misuse of abuse legislation in order to weaponise one parent at the expense of the other and force them from the home and their own children’s lives while paying for the privilege.
The truth, in such situations, is no longer the truth, but what the abusive party chooses to make it. And our children are suffering damage that will last for generations.
Parental alienation is the act of deliberately abusing influence over a child in order to cause them to reject a parent. It is normally perpetrated by a resident parent as they have the time, control and opportunity and is more readily achieved when they are aided by their close network of family and friends. Given they often have a selfish agenda too, they often are.
People who commit such a morally repugnant act, proven to cause lasting psychological and developmental harm to the children, not to mention the target parent who in extreme cases may be driven to taking their own life, are understandably desperate to cover up their guilty actions.
They deploy a range of strategies for doing so, ranging from abdication:
“…friends and family made me”
“I’m only doing what my solicitor has told me to do”
through to ignoring any and all communication, a tactic called stonewalling or grey stoning, passive aggressive savagery posing as “protecting the kids”
These people are experts at manipulation and projection and, worse still, are highly adept at blaming the loving victim for the hate crime that is killing them:
“He is a narcissist. All he ever cares about is himself and controlling us”
Yet it’s patently clear to any objective third party:
- who has the actual power
- who is the abuser and
- who is the abused
as it certaintly isn’t the parent left out in the cold and the darkness struggling for warmth, light and love.
Semantics, or the use of words, become one of the first weapons that alienators use.
First they deploy the lexicon of legal termonology to create an “us” versus “them”. The non-resident parent or NRP suddenly becomes the “absent” or “visiting” parent. Time with their own children is called “contact” or “visitation” and strangers refer to their beoved children as “subjects” or “case numbers”.
In the enabler groups where the hateful gather in gaggles to hiss and snarl their guilt-riddled poison, struggling non-resident parents are called “narcs” and “perps”, echoing the language used in physical abuse cases. Anybody who stands up for the abused is often mobbed by groups of enablers dismissing them as MRAs (men’s right’s activists), even though alienation knows no gender ,as more and more mothers are finding themselves targeted.
Parental Alienation was initially known as PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome, but such was the volume and viciousness of the attacks on those who first coined the term by those desperate to cover their tracks, it has been abridged and re-focused.
Alienated or Estranged?
Attempts have also been made to re-categorise the millions of parents deliberately alienated from their children by the actions of their former partners, not as alienated but as estranged
The implication here is that the blame falls upon the targeted parent who has seemingly chosen to sever their relationship with their child or it has come about as a result of natural consequences of divorce like logistical challenges or even intractible hostility on the part of the NRP.
However, it doesn’t take a genius to spot that the hostility is usually generated by the resident parent who has what they want and is now desperate to assume complete control over the children without the irritant of their ex partner hanging around trying to play Dad or sometimes Mum. Follow any case and the NRP is aways the one compromising just to hang onto any fraction of their parenting role allowed despite the financial cost and constant humiliation. These are not the actions of a bully or an abuser. The truth is quite the reverse.
Because words matter, it is hugely important that all separating parents pay very close attention to the semantics throughout the child arrangements and legal process. Don’t settle for excuses like “we talk this way because that’s the legal process”. If you don’t trust or like the words, change them. Remember they are YOUR kids.
Better still, because words really matter, take control of your story. The children will be hugely influenced by what they hear as this will be what they remember. Make sure your social media is full of the love and affection you feel for your children. Send them cards, notes, emails filled with pride and joy and affection for them.
Tell Your Story
Unfortunately some of the negativity assoctaed with parental alienation is the fact that divorce is an industry.
Lawyers, social services, mediators, therapists and, yes, pressure groups are making a lot of money from misery.
One of the reasons why a certain children’s book and author has so much cross-gender support within the anti-alienation community is that:
- It is written by someone who understands the positive power of words
- The author is a father who has battled this social disease for a decade and it represents a positive, loving, balanced, empowering, hopeful and engaging response to the challenges of modern family ife.
- it is not a money making scheme but an engaging, educating and uplifting work.
To quote the author, Ian Buckingham:
“Modern life is tough for parents especially who have to balance pursuing two careers while caring for their kids. We have had gender equality at work for decades and the same in schools. Until we start to recognise both parents as equals and that they share responsibility for provision and childcare, home life is going to lag behind the demands of work life and misery, especialy for children, will creep into the cracks.
I wrote Legend of the Lost as a celebration of the love parents have for their children and kids for their parents and siblings regardless of their gender. or family composition It captures the magic of being young and innocent and has powerful messages about overcoming adversity at its core, despite the toughest of trials.
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Children teach us this more than anyone else as they love us for our quirks as those quirks are part of them too. They helped me write this book and now these words keep that message alive forever. We just need more adults to remember them and to be more compassionate to one another.”
Judging by the many messages, reviews and photographs on the website and social media pages, plenty of parents are getting the message.
The words really do matter.
These words matter.
Your words matter.
So whatever hell you’re going through, whatever emerges from the PA quagmire next to suffocate your relationship; whatevr attacks you have to endure and sustain, remember THE WORDS MATTER!
Pick up a copy of something inspiring if you need it, re-charge by connecting and communicating with the online community. Or better still open the keyboard and become a voice for the love you share with your children.
Because the best way to ensure that the truth remains free from the censors and the double speak is to take control of your own narrative.
Find your voice.
TELL YOUR STORY!