We recently wrote a provocative post suggesting that in an increasing number of cases, “single parenting” has become a lifestyle choice.
We suggested that an alarming number of unscrupulous parents are deploying common tactics, shared within online networks, to strip assets, gain an income, often for life and then remove the targeted parent who no longer fits their narrative.
It has stirred up quite a response, because it’s painfully close to the naked truth, it seems.
Given the very many cases and situations we sadly hear in our various forums and platforms, we’re not surprised.
Just this week we heard of one mother who worked in human resources with her ex, spent two years sacking most of her friends, moved into his house after she was made redundant, started a family with him and then, three years later, “sacked him” too. She then blocked out her colleagues and spent years alienating him from their kids because he was an inconvenient truth.
Yet what is equally striking, is that for every decent human being who sees these people for who they are, with their petty but cruel behaviour and the victim narrative they create to garner sympathy for denying their former partner time to love and care for their own children, there seem to be twice as many people who turn a blind eye to this alienating abuse. They are supposedly friends, family and acquaintances yet by doing this, these people are condoning and enabling the obvious damage being caused to the children concerned.
You don’t have to actively participate in the gossip, to agree or even to encourage the alienating parent. Simply doing nothing, indulging them yet engaging with them makes the enabler complicit in what is now widely recognised as child abuse.
As Edmund Burke said ” “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing”
Now, undertaking a calculated campaign of cruel spite is obviously deplorable from a wider ethical standpoint. But it’s much worse than that because it is deeply personal and will, very likely, have direct consequences for the enablers, the people who ignore the signs and choose to do nothing.
- It makes what should be unacceptable behaviour an acceptable norm which, before you blink will spread to other families
- Because, if the alienator, a member of your social circle can abuse their own child’s father/mother in this calculated and relentless way, then how can you trust them with:
- your husband/wife?
- your children?
- your contacts?
- your life?
Let’s cut to the chase here.
Despite what the alienator may say, you know enough about the targeted parent to understand that they are dedicated to their kids and desperate to do the right thing.
You have seen them fight against overwhelming odds, desperate to stay in touch.
You’ve witnessed them turn up at school or events despite having to put up with incredible levels of discomfort and abuse.
You have seen your “friend” destroy the children’s love of their own parent.
You have watched how they have even used new partners to cause additional pain and abuse, before they too have left.
So why on earth would the non-resident parent still try to stick around unless they loved their children dearly?
Do you seriously believe they are trying to see their own kids just to annoy let alone “abuse”someone they no longer love?
Above all, have you ever stopped to ask yourself?
- who the real problem parent is?
- what sort of person would persist with so many cruel and petty actions that are causing so much damage to their children?
- why the often hysterical parent won’t just do the right thing?
- why they have prolonged this revenge parenting for so long?
- what are they covering up?
- what does this say about their judgement and their mental health?
- how they behave with your kids/husband/wife when you’re not there?
but most importantly
what would they do to me if they ever fell out with me too?
How many parents who demonstrate these relentless alienating behaviours that clearly damage the children let alone the target parent, do you actually respect?
How many are or were independently successful and well balanced in their own right before they married?
How many actually only have what they have because they took it from their former partner yet can’t even show them basic respect?
How many of these people would you trust not to do EXACTLY the same to you?
Are you still happy to sit and listen while they spread poison at social events, at school or at your house?
What exactly would you do if they turned their sights on you and how would you want your network to behave?
How do you know they haven’t already?
Please Note: This blog deals with difficult issues. If you need support, we will gladly refer you to legal, mentoring and reunfication specialists.
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